Life aboard the Starship Enterprise NCC-1701
by Hollyonekenobi
Summary: Series of drabbles of the crew's life aboard the Enterprise. Will contain some on non-main characters for outside POV. Will in future chapters contain K/S SLASH as well as other pairs (must read to find out). Mostly crack/humour/ friendship/family/adventure/drama, will also contain some angst/hurt/comfort. Gosh that's a lot of categories. Some light swearing.
1. 1 The Children In Us Remain Forever

_Surprisingly, I do not own anything to do with Star Trek, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Nemo._

_...__...__..._

** THE CHILDREN IN US REMAIN FOREVER **

The Starship Enterprise, the fleets flagship, best looking ship of the quadrant (though a certain captain and Scotsman might be a bit biased on that particular subject), run by only the crème de la crème. Her crew was the best and brightest Starfleet had to offer: hardworking, dedicated, loyal to a fault etc.

Having an average age range half as young as on the usual constitution-class Starfleet vessel, they could be excused for some moments of immaturity, after all, you were only young once. However there were some days when things just became downright wierd and the ridiculousness of those moments bordered on the obscene.

"Gaila, get OFF!"

"NO"

"Now!"

"NO!"

"Gaila, I swear if you don't let me get back to my job I will find the largest bat in the Federation shove it up your ass and proceed to parade you around as the world's first Orion popsicle!"

"...No"

"And knowing YOU, you'd probably LIKE IT! AAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!"

"...no?"

Now this seemed to finally become interesting so McCoy got up and opened his office door only for it to reveal a rather wonderful (for him at least) sight. A sight that happened to be James Tiberius Kirk, _Captain_ of the Starship NCC-Enterprise flailing on the floor and looking rather like and epileptic starfish. Probably failing to get up due to the 200 pound Orion clamped around him like an overgrown green and clingy octopus. Said Orion was probably also the reason the Captain was sporting a rather blue complexion with two antenna fixed to his head which looked to be made of cotton swabs. Medical cotton swabs. He should probably scold Gaila for that but he was busy being slightly too amused to care.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Bones! Help me for god's sake!"

Unfortunately for him, McCoy had yet to extricate himself from his position on the floor where he had promptly collapsed on in a fit hysterical laughter.

"Ensign Coulby could you please refrain from looking up Lieutenant Vro's dress and fetch Commander Spock"

"Yes Sir!"

Surprised, that even in such an undignified position the Captain could still maintain an air of authority...not a very imposing one, granted, but some authority all the same.

"Booooooones! She's cutting off the circulation to my junk, I don't want to amputate it just because of an overprotective whale!"

Aaaaaaand it was gone.

"Hey! That's hurtful, I'm beautiful, just because I have a much higher bone density than you weak humans does not make me a whale. And I'm not overprotective...just want to make sure that you are safe."

"NOT overprotective!? You dressed me up as an Andorian - quite poorly I might add - so that you could steal me off the ship and lock me away where nothing can find me so that I won't get hurt!"

"...ok...to make sure you are very, very safe."

"GAILA!"

"Anyway I have a right to protect you, you are my baby, and today was just another example of how you cannot protect yourself!"

"I had a MINOR allergic reaction to Chekov's wierd Russian gloup thing that he dares call food. Even Bones said everyone overreacted and HE'S the biggest mother hen you'll ever find...ok...second biggest."

"SEE! You can't even protect yourself against FOOD!"

"...Get OFF!"

"NO!"

At which point Spock arrived, took in the scene, then promptly turned around and left.

"Spooooock! Noooooooooooooooo!"

_...__...__..._

Uhura exited the turbolift, expecting a rather boring Alpha-shift if she was to be perfectly honest. They were in the middle of two milk runs and that was probably the reason why she found every sing male on the bridge sporting a head of shockingly neon green hair.

She decided she didn't want to know. No. Scratch that. She very much wanted to know how her two commanding officers and the rest of the male bridge population came to looking like twisted versions of Oompa Loompas - and judging by the _very_ grumpy pouts they were all wearing it wasn't going away any time soon. But _she_ was a professional so simply contented herself to respond to the incoming hail from Starfleet Headquarters. And because she was a professional, she wouldn't laugh at the expense of her peers, not at all, nope.

Unfortunately for the afflicted parties, Admirals Pike and Komack weren't so gracious.

_...__...__..._

Scotty had been working diligently on his latest pet project for the past _three weeks_! So _of course_ it wasn't his fault he got a little grouchy when three ensigns broke his new miniature scale REAL sandwich factory - not that replicated crap. So, _of course_ it wasn't TOTALLY his fault when said ensigns mysteriously found their quarters filled with what suspiciously looked like Targ faeces (no one knew exactly how Scotty managed to get some but then again he wasn't exactly conventional either), or when the ensigns' alarm clocks started playing Justin Bieber songs at some ungodly hour, or even when they turned up for their shift a fluorescent yellow after taking their showers that morning.

So no, Lieutenant-Commander Montgomery Scott did not understand why the Captain put him in the brig and took away his sandwich privileges for a month, giving them to Keenser instead.

Watching the chief engineer mumble away in his corner in the brig, Giotto wondered how they even managed a week without HQ ordering them all back home.

_...__...__..._

"Ooh! Ooh! Hikaru! Look what I found!"

"What is a Tribble doing here."

"I do not know, but I found her zo she is mine."

"She?"

"Yes Karu, she. And I vill call her Wiwian, she vill be mine, she vill be my Wiwian" "...Really?"

"Yes"

"Hey gu-"

"Oh, hey captain"

"What. In all that is holy and all that isn't, is _that_?"

"Why keptin it is Wiwian, my new pet Tribble"

"Sulu, why oh_ why_ does he have a Tribble?"

"Uuuuuh...do I want to answer that?"

"No."

"Alrighty then."

"Oi! IS THAT BETTY?! IS THAT MAH TRIBBLE?!"

"Captain, don't snort it's unbecoming"

"No, zis is Wiwian."

"GIMME BACK MAH BETTY!"

"NO!"

"Captain, we shall be arriving in 2 hours, 47 minutes and 34 seconds so shall...Captain, why is Lieutenant-Commander Scott biting Ensign Chekov?"

"Spock, move, I can't see!"

"EEEEEK"

"That's wight, you should not mess with ze Russians and their Wiwians"

"Ya _nipple crippled_ meh! WHY YA LITTLE..."

"Captain, although it is quite remarkable at the speed at which the Lieutenant-Commander is managing to throw the Ensigns's meatballs at him, it would be wise to prevent this from degenerating any further which may lead to displeasing consequences and-"

"Meester Scott! Vill you stop EEEEK stop pulling my ears!"

"Then STOP BITING MAH NOSE YAH WEE JESSIE!"

"Sulu! Stop taking wagers!" [Sigh] "You are probably right Spock. Alright then"

"BETTY!"

"WIWIAN!"

You can imagine the surprise of the Tellarite merchant ship travelling at warp factor 2 in middle of nowhere when there seemed to be some sort of explosion of white hair and red on their front viewscreen.

_...__...__..._

_Crème de la crème: French for the best of the best._

_Targ: is a boar-like animal, native to the Klingon home-world Qo'nos._

_Jessie: is a Scottish insult to a man by calling him effeminate and child-like._


	2. A Few Rules For The Captain

_Aaaaaaaaand I still don't own anything to do with Star Trek! TA DAH! Or any other external reference you may find._

...

Looking back at the list it was obvious to James. that its completion probably included his entire senior crew as well as a few other members of staff. But mostly his senior crew. His _supposedly_ mature senior crew. His supposedly mature senior crew who were supposed to respect their captain. Though he did have to admire their creativity, they had obviously spent some time thinking of everything.

List of things the Captain won't do if he knows what's good for him

1. Vulcans are highly susceptible to caffeine. Stop giving the commander coffee. We don't want another case of him running round the ship squealing like a pig and stealth nerve pinching the doctor. He didn't find it funny last time, and he won't find it funny the next.

2. Doctor McCoy is already a grouch, stop painting his nails when he falls asleep. You don't have to deal with him in the aftermath.

3. Shouting out "It's morphin' time!" in the middle of a battle will not do anything. Nor will shouting "Gold Ranger Power!", it confuses the commander. Please immediately cease this.

4. Even though Yeoman Rand's hair _does_ look like a basket, she doesn't appreciate it when you stick fruit in it.

5. The cameras are for surveillance, not for filming your latest stealth moves on unsuspecting crew members (p.s. This also applies to Sulu).

6. Tribbles are animals, _not_ bowling balls. You may despise them but it does not excuse such behaviour.

7. Dressing Chekov up as Alice in Wonderland to make Nurse Chapel laugh is not allowed anymore. He has an extreme hero complex and will do anything you tell him to. Once was enough. We do not talk about it.

8. Mister Spock is not a Jedi. Stop trying to convince him and make him do stuff.

9. We already went over this at the Academy. You can't introduce yourself as "Bond, James T Bond"

10. Do not hack the enemy ships' sound systems to play "We are the champions" every time one surrenders. It is in poor taste, please desist.

10.b) So is "Another one bites the dust" when they didn't surrender.

11. Yes, you have brilliant hacking skills. No, you cannot create an 'underground' class.

12. Please stop pretending to cut Lieutenant Uhura's hair. Its making her paranoid. She's scaring the younger ensigns.

13. If the thought of something has made you snicker for over 10 seconds, it's definitely not allowed.

14. No water balloons around Mister Spock. Vulcans descend from felines. Rec room 4 has still not recovered.

15. Don't dress up as a white rabbit around Dr. McCoy, this is making him neurotic. A neurotic doctor means more _surprise_ medical 'exams'. We don't like it.

16. Stop turning off the gravity in the Loading Bays so that you can play Quidditch with Sulu.

17. Again, Chekov will do anything you say, strop trying to make him surprise hug Spock. He will do it. Spock won't like it.

18. Some away missions do not need to include you. If we have not invited you to join us, it is no reflection of our feelings towards you. Please refrain from using any electronic means to insinuate otherwise, especially the 'un-friending' procedure, it's beginning to irritate everyone.

19. Please check with Uhura before making a speech public speech. The sentence "the help we provided you in the reefer business" does not only mean the refrigerated transport of goods, and the PR department is still fielding the press on it.

20. Please stop telling new warp capable species that "we are on a mission from god". It took us days to clear that up with the Feh'tripsor.

21. Next time you are injured enough to warrant a visit to sickbay, the Doctor wants you to have your underwear on. Saying that Nargles hid them isn't an excuse. Stop scarring him.

21.b) On that same note, when someone accuses you of not wearing any underwear, you should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent. Especially if you can't.

22. Stop stealth attacking Lieutenant Kent. He doesn't have any superpowers. You are making him scared of leaving his quarters.

23. The proper way to report to the Admirals is "You wanted to speak to me, Admiral?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence", you are freaking them out.

24. Captain, while your 'published' work of "1001 Ways to Seduce a Klingon Using Just a Toothbrush, Duct Tape and a Tupperware box" is undoubtedly imaginative, deeply informative and well-researched, we do not appreciate you distributing it to crew members. We are also rather dubious about ways 535-768.

25. You do not own anyone's soul. The Enterprise does not own anyone's soul. Souls are not collectible items, nor do they taste like chicken.

26. The Commander's ultimate weakness is not porn, he will not fall dead if you keep on sending him adult graphic novels. We don't know how you got the good Doctor to believe that, but we would advise you convince him otherwise rapidly.

27. Stop telling Gaila that she is the "She Hulk's sexy female cousin". Yes, she is green. No, it does not count. We have had enough of her coming into sickbay after trying to break things.

27.b) Same goes for Robin Hood. Lieutenant Uhura still hasn't recovered all her underwear 'graciously' given to the _poor_ single males on the ship.

28. There is no designated practice dummy, if there was it isn't Mister Spock. Stop sicking members of security on him.

29. Itching powder on the toilet seat is only funny once. The same goes for plastic wrap, avocado dip, chocolate sauce, cheese, and toothpaste. Spock may be patient, but everyone has a limit. He is three times stronger than you and doesn't find it funny.

30. You are prohibited from making, buying, touching and coming within seven metres of any explosive device. You have an inordinate amount of luck, but not when it comes to this. Scotty needed that transponder.

31. Jesus is not your wingman.

32. You are not allowed to try and donate Keenser to the zoo, no matter how much his eyes "creep you out". Scotty likes him.

33. There is no such thing as a "Vulcan touch of death", stop trying to convince people who annoy you otherwise.

34. Uhura is not "Xena: The Warrior Princess". Yes she is scary sometimes. And like said Princess, she can pack a punch. So stop altering all door chimes to play the Xena war cries when she enters a room. It's distracting and annoying.

35. Vacuums are not meant to be supercharged and raced down the hallways. Sulu and Scotty have already been notified.

36. Cease getting into silly arguments with Ensign Chekov about whether something originates from Russia. He gets upset. This upsets Sulu.

37. You are not allowed to have a theme tune.

37.b) Neither is McCoy's the "Love Doctor", so take back the changes you made for it to be played in any room he enters.

37.c) And Mister Spock does not like Lady Gaga, the song Poker Face is starting to annoy him.

37.d) In fact, no theme tunes for anyone.

38. Most of the stuff on holovids aren't real. Stop trying them out to test a "hypothesis".

39. Stop hiding Dr. McCoy's hyposprays. He has an endless supply - god knows how. And the cleaning staff has had enough of finding them in the most random places. Also, in Yeoman Rand's hair? Again with the hair? Really?

40. Stop having drinking contests of that pink stuff with Gaila. You both do wierd things in the aftermath. Lieutenant Magdy was scared shitless when she found you taped to the ceiling of her quarters.

40.b) Not to mention finding a mummified Gaila in the laundry department.

41. You do not have minions. Stop calling the crew your minions.

42. Shouting "Ave Caesar!" every time the Admirals give you an order is starting to annoy everyone.

42.b) So is "As you wish" - that's just plain disturbing when saying it to old man, Pike doesn't find it funny. Neither does Nogura and he doesn't like you.

43. Sword length is not an indicator that someone is "compensating for something". Neither is the length of someone's Lirpa.

44. Stop using anti-gravity devices to appear to walk on water; you have almost no chance whatsoever at convincing anyone that you are Jesus. Except for Chekov, and that's worse, we think he built a shrine.

45. Kool-Aid is to be used for drinks only, the fact that it can dye Gaila's skin in a variety of colors is irrelevant.

46. Do not experiment with new teas for the Commander. He'll drink anything you offer him, and some of those combinations are downright rancid.

47. Just because your are bright and can hold your own in a fight does not make you Batman. Screaming "Because I'm Batman!" in Spock's face to get out of a losing argument is cheating.

48. Yes Ensign Gxvdbnt has wings. No she isn't a fairy. Stop telling Spock you found a way to make him "a real boy".

49. Playing 'Yakety Sax' whilst pursuing an enemy ship is innapropriate.

50. No starting any flashmobs when anyone important is on board. Actually, no flashmobs period unless someone is severely depressed. They are distracting.

50.b) Here is a list of songs not allowed EVER for _any_ flashmob: Gangnam Style, What Did The Fox Say (no, Spock will never stop correcting that song), Klingon war chants (and the Hakka is not appropriate when facing down a Klingon on the viewscreen).

...

Kirk snickered, he was _so_ getting this framed.


	3. Scotty's List

_Hello again, sorry for the delay. Still don't own Star Trek._

...

Now it was Scotty's turn.

A useful guide for Scotty to avoid unpleasantness

1. Stop making strange noises when manning/using the transporter. It doesn't matter if sound effects make everything cooler. Some of them are just downright weird.

2. You may love Tribbles, but not everyone else does. Especially the Captain. So stop leaving them in his bed as a gift. He's starting to have breakdowns.

3. Beaming aquatic animals into the ship's pool wasn't amusing. Especially if said animal is a shark. Or a crocodile.

3.b) The leeches weren't funny either.

4. Yes, you make things, and yes, you are sometimes mad. But that doesn't mean you can cackle at the weird stuffy you put in the microwaves and then open those microwaves shouting "It's alive!".

5. It may be your heritage, but no, you are not allowed to practice your bagpipes. Ever. You can't play.

5.b) The Jeffries aren't acceptable either. We may not see you, but sound carries well in there.

6. Stop altering their communicators to play "Sexual Tension" whenever the Captain and Commander are near each other.

7. Even though people might eat your sandwiches by mistake, STOP gluing them to their beds with rubber cement! Just label the damn sandwiches.

8. Yes, Doctor Who is a great show, but for the love of god _stop_ making daleks and sicking them on your ensigns, they are having nightmares.

8.b) Same goes for making a Tardis out of shuttle parts.

8.c) As well as the Iron Man suit.

9. Please desist from playing the "Imperial March" whenever Admiral Archer is on board. He doesn't like you, it doesn't help.

10. Tying coconuts to swallows - even African ones - is frowned on by the ASPCA. And it doesn't work, we tried.

11. Cease telling people that Keenser is Yoda. His advice is shit.

12. Saying that the voices in your head overrule any order is not a valid excuse when in trouble.

13. Asking "Which truth would you prefer" is not acceptable when sending in a report.

14. Tribbles don't fetch, catch, come ... Stop telling the Commander that they do. He gets frustrated when they don't.

15. When being interrogated by the Captain or Commander, you are not to wave your hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

16. "Non-flammable" is not a challenge.

17. You are not allowed to kidnap and hold yourself hostage for sandwiches.

18. Yes, William Wallace is Scottish. But stop shouting things at people before they enter sickbay. They aren't speeches, even with a soundtrack.

19. Stop replacing the chairs on the bridge with ejector seats. Especially if they go off when speaking to Klingons. We want to look intimidating. You're not helping.

20. Desist from the transporter to make people beam up naked. Especially if Keenser is in the landing party.

21. We already have proof that Sulu screams like a girl. Stop hiding fake denebian slime devils in his bed. He has a sword and he will use it.

22. You are no longer allowed to have drinking contests with Gaila. She drinks you under the table and the replicators can no longer withstand another one of your following pouts.

23. Yes, redshirts tend to find danger more easily than other. No, you cannot wear a green one.

23.b) Green isn't your colour.

24. Yes, Death Stars are cool. No, you can't make one. Stop asking. It's annoying.

25. Cease stuffing Keenser in the Jeffries when he annoys you. He makes weird breathing sounds that echo. It's disturbing.

25.b) Especially when walking down a corridor alone, now that he has seen Harry Potter.

26. There is no such thing as "Kilt Day"

27. You may disagree with Ensign Chekov about the merits of Scotch vs Vodka, but replacing his toothpaste with (albeit non-toxic) superglue is a tad excessive.

28. Sulu already has a sword. A perfectly good metal sword. Stop making him laser ones. We have had enough of putting out the fires.

29. Chapel says if she hears you Church one more time, she'll cut off your hand and slap you with it. We'll be filming.

30. It may be funny, but stop beaming up people naked.

31. People don't want their hair to match their uniform. Cease putting dye in their shower heads.

32. Acknowledging when you are wrong is mature. Putting up fake "out of order signs" on the turbolifts because the Commander confiscated your illegal stash of romulan ale isn't.

33. Commander Spock is quite different from yourself in many fundamental ways. Chocolate will not change this, not even temporarily. Do not employ this tactic again.

34. Lieutenant Shakespeare didn't choose his name. Stop trying to start Macbeth quoting battles against him. He's getting annoyed.

35. Not all redshirts work in engineering. Stop telling them to go do stuff down there. They get lost.

36. When you are being questioned during an inspection do not answer their questions by "maybe, maybe not".

36.b) "oops is that not allowed?" doesn't help either.

37. Just because you are Scottish does not mean you are strong enough to toss cabers. Tossing Keenser doesn't count either.

38. Maniacal cackling and all other forms of evil laughter are hereby prohibited during any sort of power-outage. The Captain keeps on mistaking you for the doctor. Stop scaring him.

40. You are not allowed to grease the floor so that you can re-enact the opening scene from 'Risky Business'.

41. Ensign Ghdbdub's trunk is very sensitive, she is not willing to act as a self-aiming cannons no matter how many peanuts you offer her.

42. I don't care how many "eye-witnesses" you have, replicators do not spontaneously combust.

43. You are not your own long-lost twin.

44. There is no such thing as "Sanwichicide" (which we assume is the eating of the sandwich you wanted). Stop trying to get people court-marshalled.

45. The assembly line method is not to be used to get dressed in the morning.

46. Stop helping the Captain escape from sickbay. Dr. McCoy doesn't know yet. But do it again and we'll sic him on you.

47. Don't graffiti the outside hull with "property of Montgomery Scott". The Captain gets jealous.

48. It's not magic, it's engineering. Stop telling people otherwise to make yourself look good. It's freaking the captain out at how gullible his crew are.

49. No, Admiral Archer doesn't like you. But stop blaming him when your socks go missing.

50. Do not start playing the quiet game when we ask you what you did.

...

"...Fair enough."


	4. The Enterprise Prank War Of 2259

_OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT! ...I STILL DONT OWN STAR TREK [BIG GASP]_

...

No one knew who threw the first stone. There had been no proof whatsoever as to who released the chickens into sickbay - all video footage had been oh so conveniently 'lost', but McCoy seemed to blame the Captain and thus, started the Enterprise Prank War of 2259.

The revenge was swift and brutal. Not bothering with all that cold bollocks. The very next morning Kirk awoke to find all his command shirts dyed a neons glittering pink. Seriously, it glittered. The mood on the bridge was a bit weird after that. What with most of its occupants constantly sniggering.

Meanwhile, the good doctor seemed to have also surmised that Kirk couldn't have beamed those chickens up by himself; and, unfortunately for the Lieutenant Commander, the CMO knew of his phobia of spiders. His scream woke up the entire ship.

This had led to Bones waking up at his desk with every inch of the floor covered with mouse traps. Let's just say it degenerated from there.

At least retaliation would always be swift, when Kirk discovered too late that his shampoo had been replaced with purple dye (to match his new uniform), Bones soon found every one his regulation underwear had been replaced with golden thongs. _Lace_ gold thongs. Every. Single. One. However no one expected him to manage to rope the Tweedle twins into his cause. So it was an unsuspecting Chief Engineer who ended up thoroughly freaked out when objects in engineering started to seemingly move on their own thanks to Sulu's 'invisible' wire. The culprits were only discovered because they weren't being very discreet whilst on the floor in hysterics.

While Scotty was busy sticking all their furniture to the ceiling - which they found hilarious until he flat out refused to tell them how to get everything down, the good doctor woke up from a power nap covered from head to toe in green hair with his name plaque changed to "Mr. Grinch". Now, he would never admit it. Nope. Never. Ever. Ever. But he was rather in awe. _Not_ at the creativity of Kirk's idea, but at the fact that they had managed to superglue the hair _all_ over his body without waking him up and he was _still_ wearing his uniform.

As a revenge Yogi and Boo-boo snuck in Kirk's bathroom and poured a particularly large amount of honey and feathers on the unsuspecting captain. The silence was unexpected as it was heavy. Unfortunately for Sulu and Chekov, they had forgotten that even the highest commanding officers had to share a bathroom.

"What...are you doing?"

They froze. Turning around they saw their captain, fully clothed and staring in shock. Forget heavy, the ensuing silence was deafening.

Slowly. Oh so slowly. The shower door opened to reveal what looked like a drenched and badly plucked chicken giving them the Grandaddy of all death glares.

A sort of girlish squeal was heard from where the captain was standing, all eyes turned to him revealing the most delighted grin anyone had ever seen, and then he promptly collapsed on the floor in spasmodic laughter. Meanwhile, the culprits, to put it simply, legged it.

With Spock now in the game, the war reached a whole new level. It was _probably_ excessive. It didn't stop them. Spock and Scotty started by supergluing a sleeping Sulu to McCoy's bed whilst the doctor was asleep. Kirk then proceeded to steal all of Chekov's clothes and replace them only with female regulation underwear. The way it made him walk reminded quite a few people of a shaved penguin.

As an unspoken agreement they had decided not too include any of the girls, too scary (Gaila could have some really twisted ideas). Unluckily, there was some rather cynical 19th century philosophical phrase which happened to fit the enterprise crew rather well. None of the crew knew what happened to Uhura, but afterwards ... let's just say the male senior crew members were never really the same again. A part if that might have to do with the fact that they all got a non-consenting _full_ bikini wax (made even more hilarious by their constant waddling afterwards) but only a small part.

Hell hath no fury like a pissed off woman, period.

...

_a/n hey, sorry for the wait. I am still not sure if I am completely satisfied with this chapter and might update it sometime in the future - I have a lot of exams at the moment, it might take a while - but if you have any pointers please feel free to tell me, I would be happy to listen...metaphorically speaking_


End file.
